Clients with developmental trauma can have critical parents. However, they can also be protective of their critical or demanding parents especially where they have partially good relationships with them.
These clients often say “But mum did her best!” “But Dad wasn’t all bad.”
Here are a few ideas for managing guilt and protectiveness towards parents:
Explain to the client that we are not here to bag parents. Take the time to hear the different/positive sides of their parents.
Explain that their critical mode has been internalised from the critical SIDE of their parent not their whole parent.
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In imagery, acknowledge if the parent has good intentions but contrast these with the impact it has on the client (You may have good intentions/may be attempting to protect them but the result is you’re hurting them and making them feel they’re not good enough…)
In imagery address the side of the parent (I can see there’s a side of you that had just come out and it’s harmful for little X, it makes them feel no good and these criticisms and demands have a legacy…)
If you’re confronting the parent in chairwork again refer to the side of the parent. I have at times brought out a chair(s) for the other side of the parent (e.g. the caring side, the warm side etc).
Encourage expressing anger to the side of the parent that was critical, noticing and challenging the client’s own critic if it emerges.
Tena Davies is a Clinical Psychologist and Advanced Certified Schema Therapist, Supervisor and Trainer in Melbourne, Australia.
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