top of page

The self sacrifice schema - not what you might think

Writer's picture: Tena Davies, Clinical Psychologist, Certified Schema TherapistTena Davies, Clinical Psychologist, Certified Schema Therapist

The self-sacrifice schema may seem like a simple schema to understand and treat but it’s sometimes misunderstood. It's easy to think that the self-sacrifice is simply about being too giving or about a lack of assertiveness. However, while people who self-sacrifice are giving and may lack assertiveness to set boundaries those are not the central features of the schema.

What is the self-sacrifice schema really?


Individuals with a self-sacrifice schema have an inflated sense of responsibility for others who they view as weaker. The person voluntarily self-sacrifices their needs to the detriment of their health, wellbeing, relationships etc.

What are some ways to pick the self-sacrifice schema in a client's presentation?

  • The client puts themselves last and often feels used in relationships

  • They seem to need to "rescue" others and may become resentful they are not appreciated

  • The amount of giving/sacrifice leads to consequences such burnout, relationship issues and/or contributes to chronic conditions such as chronic pain

  • They have a guilt inducing critic, which fuels the self-sacrifice


Are elevations for self sacrifice on the YSQ always accurate?


Sometimes the self-sacrifice schema will come up strongly for a client with narcissistic tendencies. This is because giving is an impost for this subgroup of individuals and may be perceived as self-sacrifice.


How do you treat self-sacrifice?


Notice the mode cycle - For example, client puts themselves last (compliant surrenderer), then feels invisible and unseen (lonely child mode underpinned by emotional deprivation), then feels resentful/irritated (i.e., the angry child). Using chairs to "mode out" the cycle can be illuminating! Please note that the mode cycle varies between individuals.


 INTERESTED IN SCHEMA THERAPY SUPERVISION AND RESOURCES?




 

Conduct Imagery - explore the developmental origins of where they have felt that urge to rescue and save others. This process can often reveal the primary schema underlying the self-sacrifice such as emotional deprivation or abandonment.


Promote balance-those with a self-sacrifice schema will often put their own needs last because they see others as needing more. It can be tempting to tell them to put their needs first, but this has its own set of issues (e.g. unbalanced relationships). However, I find it help to think about balancing the client's needs with the needs of others.


Promote respectful boundaries that also honour their values - Those with a self-sacrifice schema often have the value of being giving. The aim is for them to continue to live by this value while at the same time meeting their own needs. When we honour a client's values, it respects their needs and preferences and means they are less likely to resist change.

Explore the client's current relationships that maintain the schema.

Reciprocity- a healthy relationship is one where reciprocity is present across time (i.e., give and take). For example, the giver gives but also receives. For example, they help their friend move house and the friend shows their appreciation and invites them over some time.


Attune to the vulnerable child’s feelings about the relationship – tap into their vulnerable child’s inner wisdom by exploring how the client feels before, during and after they see the person they are sacrificing for. This will give you clues as to the health of the relationship. Some red flags include feeling used, invisible, unseen, or unsafe.


Help the client tolerate guilt - the feelings of guilt associated with the self-sacrifice schema maintain it. It can be useful to explore the cognitions associated with reducing giving and the guilt that ensues. This will likely lead directly into critic work!


Test your knowledge


Below are a couple of example vignettes. One is the self sacrifice schema and the other is not. See if you can pick it.


"Mark is supporting his wife through a difficult situation with her family. He finds it annoying at times, he'd rather talk about something else! A few years ago he had a difficult employee and she was always a sympathetic ear.

 

The above is not an example of self-sacrifice. It's an example of reciprocity in a relationship. While Mark is annoyed and he doesn't want to talk about his in-laws as much, there is give and take in a long term relationship. It may be beneficial to put in place some boundaries if he starts to feel it's too much.

 

"Mara always tells her friends that she is happy to help. When they go out to lunch she pays for anyone who she thinks might need it, even if they don't ask for it. She feels bad if she doesn't help someone who she suspects needs help. She often worries and feels responsible for others.

Sometimes Mara finds herself getting resentful because she gives people a lot and often people don't seem to notice much. When she gets resentful she admonishes herself and tells herself she is selfish."


The above is an example of self-sacrifice. Mara is preoccupied by her perceived needs of others. When she gives others don't always notice and this leads to her feeling invisible (i.e., emotional deprivation). Her giving comes from a place of guilt and responsibility. As is common with self-sacrificing, the giver may not attune to the needs of the receiver, which is often why others may not show enough gratitude.


Tena Davies is a Clinical Psychologist and Advanced Certified Schema Therapist/Supervisor and Trainer based in Melbourne, Australia. To learn more about schema therapy please see her website www.tenadavies.com



gratitude.

120 views

Comments


Commenting has been turned off.
bottom of page